We’ve entered into what some call the “high training years” (2-4 years old). Some days, we feel confident about the decisions we’re making and the boundaries we have in place. On other days, it feels like we are stumbling around in the dark, getting bumps and bruises as we learn from our mistakes.

In a previous post, I explored the idea of aiming to parent the heart of my kids, not their behavior. This post is about how confusing (but rewarding) that can seem at times.

The truth is that I want a formula. I want to do the right things and see the result in my kids. But, it’s not always that simple. Especially when hearts are involved.

Recently, Lily started coming out of her room at night after bed time. At first, it was cute… Then, still cute but apparent that we needed to do something about it. Katie and I responded differently (which made for some lively discussion between us). I wanted to hold the line (i.e. “we told her it was bed time and to not come out of her room, so we need to make sure that she knows we mean it”), while she wanted to be gracious, seeing this as just a temporary season.

One night, Lily came out of her bedroom over and over again, and I was beginning to be frustrated. Then Katie asked the question, “Matt, how often has Lily been home with just me and you in the past two weeks? (it had been a hectic few weeks, with lots of people in our house and I had worked several nights away from home). It made sense to me – that Lily just wanted to be with us, so much so that she was willing to absorb discipline to make it happen.

The next time she came into the living room, I walked with her back to her room and instead of reminding her that we told her to stay in her bed, I just laid down beside her. After a few minutes, I left and she dozed off to sleep.

First of all, I am grateful that my wife has wisdom – that she sees things that I don’t (how cool is it that we get to parent as a team). Secondly, what would have been easy  (at least for me) would have been to hold the line, but in this particular scenario, parenting Lily’s heart meant knowing her heart and not following the letter of the law so to speak, in order to parent her well.

The point is there’s no formula. There are certainly wise principles, but the hearts of our kids aren’t nurtured and trained purely on principles. Thankful that God gives wisdom and grace to us as we parent. The truth is that we need Him desperately as we seek to engage with the hearts of our kids.