Before I got married, I had a lot of ideas about what it meant to spiritually lead my wife. Most of them weren’t good.

Mainly because my view of spiritually leading was mostly about talking. Whether I knew it or not, I pictured passing wisdom on to my wife, her learning from my vast banks of spiritual knowledge. Ok, not really. But I put pressure on myself to know and say all the right answers. I’ve come to realize over time that leading my wife looks way different.

The main way I spiritually lead my wife is by example.

Yikes… As convicting as that is, I believe it’s the truth.

I don’t mean that she’s dependent on my example for her spiritual well-being. But I do mean that how I spiritually influence Katie almost always flows out of what God is teaching and doing in me. Not from me manufacturing some spiritual lesson.

What this means is that spiritual leadership in marriage often begins with brokenness. Praying that God would draw me to Himself. Asking Him to do what I can’t – work in my heart (and in my wife’s heart as well). Then seeking to be faithful with all that He’s entrusted to me. Trusting Him and walking in obedience.

As I pursue Jesus in my own life, I am setting the tone for my family to do the same.

And as I pursue Jesus in my own life, I’m able to invite my family in to what God is teaching and doing in me. i.e. talk about it. This is key. If I’m just “going to the mountain” to meet with God, and never interacting with my spouse in light of what I’m learning, there’s nothing for her to follow or respond to.

My main point here, though, is if I do the talking part and I’m not living to know Him then it’s something I’m manufacturing. She’ll see through it. And I’ll be trying to lead her somewhere that I’m not going.