Parenting seems simple until you do it.

Then you have kids, and you realize how much you didn’t know. And how much you don’t know. And how much you need help and wisdom from God and others around you.

I love that the first time in Scripture that people are recorded to be “calling on the name of the Lord” is right after they have children (Gen. 4:26).

There is a lot of good teaching on parenting out there.

I remember hearing a pastor named Gary Brandenburg teach a parenting principle years ago that has stuck with me.

Don’t go after behavior. Go after the heart.

He pointed to Jesus. Referencing how Jesus was constantly after the hearts of the people around him, not just their behavior. And when people showed the “right” behavior with the wrong heart (the Pharisees), He was outraged.

So that’s the principle – don’t parent behavior. Parent the hearts of your kids.

But how do you do that?

If you figure it out, let me know… The truth is that principles like this are hard to apply, because behavior comes from the heart; the two are connected and seem hard to separate at times. But, our goal should not be to just make our kids behave, but instead to engage with their hearts.

One way that we hope to this with our kids is by talking about the why. I’ve found for me that it’s so easy to say “no” or “don’t do that”. It’s harder to talk about why not to (“We want to be kind to Chancho. Kicking him is not kind.”). But it goes further than that.

I think truly parenting the heart means talking about why we are to be kind in the first place. And that why goes back to the Gospel.

If the motivation for Lily to be kind is simply, ‘Mom and Dad told me to be kind’ or ‘It’s good to be kind’, then her obedience will be based on who’s around and what seems ‘good’ at the time. What we hope to do, as she grows older, is point her to Jesus.

No, Lily. Kicking Chancho is not kind. We want to be kind. We want to be kind, because JESUS is kind to us.

Easier said than done. But, if we remind her of the Gospel as we parent her, then by God’s grace, her motivations can change and not just her behavior.

What do you think are some ways to parent a child’s heart, not just their behavior?